On LA Traffic

Being a motorcyclists now for the past month, and as such, being immune from traffic (CA allows lane splitting, and motorcycles are allowed in the carpool lane, which is the whole reason I got the bike in the first place), I have come to observe LA traffic very intimately.  Being on a bike allows you a full view of things in a more open manner than what you see in a car, as well as being able to keep riding, when the freeways are at a dead stop allows you to move ahead and see the "causes" of traffic.  With all this I have come to a singular conclusion:  Los Angeles folk LOVE their traffic. It seems that they just LIKE moving slow and losing hours off their life.

Explain? Okay. Well most traffic that I've seen doesn't have a real reason, that can be concretely explained, or accounted for.  Granted, there are some real reasons traffic occurs, like accidents, especially those with fatalaties, as authorities have cleanup and investigating to do. But in LA there is traffic EVERY day. Crippling traffic too, where it takes you an hour to go 5 miles.  And most of the reasons for traffic are as follows:

1. Looky-Loos : It seems that most drivers view their windshield as a television. Everything going on outside is a show where the drama unfolds. As such, they slow down to look at EVERYTHING!!! Guy getting a simple ticket on the side of the road? HEY LETS ALL SLOW DOWN TO WATCH A POLICE OFFICER WRITE ON A PIECE OF PAPER!!! Then they realize they are wasting precious seconds that they can never get back and continue along, but not before continuing the wave of traffic for MILES BEHIND THEM!

2. Speed Retards: These are just the people that seem to just like moving slow. There's no excuse for their slowness...no traffic in front of them, nobody getting a ticket, nothing in their lane, they are just slow ass people. I have witnessed cars in the Carpool Lane, with no one in front of them going 45!!! FIFTY IN AN EMPTY CARPOOL LANE!! And they are oblivious to the miles of backup building behind them.  The worst is the Looky-Loo mixed with the Speed Retard. They slowed down to view something going on, but NEVER SPED UP AFTER!! They continue on at a snails pace, and not only do they cause backup in their lane, but they cause backups in the other lanes, as cars are moving over trying to pass them.

3.  Forethoughtless: These are the people that apparently are surprised by their exit, though they've probably been commuting back and forth for longer than they can remember, so it results in them trying to cut across 5 lanes in .00001 miles. Which means stopping, because every inch counts, if they want to reach their exit, moving over, stopping again, moving over, etc etc...creating LANES OF TRAFFIC IN THEIR WAKE! One of these idiots can back up traffic farther than you can imagine.

There's much more, but I really gotta get to work, so maybe I'll write more later. All I'm saying is that they should post snipers at every overpass, waiting to take out any of these offenders.Wait, that'd probably cause more traffic, during the cleanup. Maybe helicopters with giant magnets can come down and remove these cars LOL. In a place overpopulated like LA, and where everyone has to drive a car, causing traffic should not be tolerated.

Quotable Quotes

Looking through my mom's email, I cam across some lines from her to other people, that really touched me.  I feel like I'm crying INSIDE, but no tears. Where are the tears? LOL maybe the rational side of me just realizes I'm at work, and that would make an uncomfortable situation should someone see me crying.

"I am so happy that they are here.  It is nice of Clarence and Kati to sacrifice their freedom to be at my disposal."

"  Clarence and Katie sacrificed the comforts and security of their jobs at  Cornell U. to move here and help in my care and make my remaining days happier with the girls"

"[Ashlyn] is one sweet little cutie pie who would touch my face if I close my eyes and say "Lola, wake-up".  I love my 2 girls---the more I want to live to see them grow."

"  Clarence is so concerned and he wanted to carry me because our rooms were on the 2nd floor with no elevator.  All I can say is now I realized I have raised a good son who is so worried about me"

"[the kids] melt my heart although my emotions are in check due to my weak heart.  Ashlyn is a good baby to watch, can play with even water plastic bottles for hours.  She is a good baby with temper like Lolo once im a while.  I hope the girls will make my remaining days on earth happy."

"...the kids and grandkiddos are leaving for NY tomorrow (Wed).  They will resign from their Cornell jobs, prepare things and will be back here after Hailey's school.  It cpuld have been last Sat but could not leave while I was at the hospital.  Hailey does not want to go back to NY and she is very upset.  They are also great source of helps and happiness especially the 2 girls.  Clarence was sleeping at the hospital for 3 nights everytime my blood pressure dopped like 86/54 just in case I lost consciousness.  You should see the 2 girls when I walked-in from the  hospital yesterday.  Hailey kept on hugging me for minutes telling me how much she missed me.  She had been sleeping in my bed,  Ashlyn was behind with her "Lola" like smile with all her teeth and gum showing while dancing her "happy feet".  I thought she might not recognize me anymore but instead, she followed me to my bed and wanted me to carry her.  I sat her on my lap and kept hugging me too.  I was teary-eyed with these 2 very loving girls.  Ashlyn never called me "mummy" before but yesterday she kept on calling me "mummy".  Everyone she feels who love her is Mummy like her Mom,"

Need vs. Want

What I NEED to do is hurry up and process the photos from my mother's funeral, but my mind doesn't WANT to.  As a photographer, I work on photos in the order that I've taken them.  Well, the oldest photos I've taken are of my mom's wake/funeral. I haven't felt like taking photographs of much of anything since then, but the few I have taken are slowly starting to back up, and lay there untouched, because I didn't think I was ready to work on them yet.  I still feel I am not ready to work on them yet.  I just see them in passing, and my mind goes to a dark place.

But, I really need to.  I can't get on with being a photographer until I do.  So many people are waiting patiently for an update, and are disappointed weekly with nothing new going up. But, even knowing this, and telling myself I need to work on them everyday...I still find some way to avoid doing them.

I think it's because I'm scared. Of what, I have yet to find out.

Frailty: The Opposite of My Mother

Yes, that's a picture I took. Yes, that's my mother in the picture. I think it was around August when she told me that she wanted to go pray at the fabled Temple of St. Peligrini which is part of the San Juan Capistrano grounds.  I was more than happy to volunteer taking her.  So we all picked a Saturday, got in the car, and took the short 40 minute ride there to have her visit. Well, it SHOULD have taken 40 minutes, but it actually took close to two hours, since there was crazy amounts of traffic. Did I mention I hate California? LOL.  The first day we were there she visited the main church, and prayed at the altar there, and we all thought that was it. But, thanks to a friend of mine, we realized that that was just the altar. The true chapel is part of the old mission. We spent the night in town, so the next morning we took the trip to the old mission so she could visit, and so she could pray there.

So, why this picture, why this particular memory? Well I picked this picture, because if I didn't take this picture myself and if I wasn't there, and saw this woman from the back, I wouldn't have known it was my mother.  This woman in the picture is frail, gaunt, and suffering.  That was the hardest thing I think, for all of us.  My mom was strength incarnate, her whole life. She was the mentally strongest person I have ever known. She came from a hard life in the barrios of the Philippines, in a rural town in Iloilo. Many people tell tales of hardship, we've all heard them: I used to walk miles to school, in snow, in shorts, and with a smile on my face LOL.  Well the thing with my mom was that those stories were true.

She walked miles to school.  There were no schools in the farmland areas of the more remote parts of the Philippines, so she would walk with her siblings, miles, for the chance at an education.  But before she walked miles to school, she had already put in a full morning on the family farm, getting up around 4am, every morning to do her chores. The farmer hours in her never went away. A memory of her I always hated while she was alive, but now hold dear, now that she's passed, was waking up to the vacuum repeatedly slamming into my door at 4am in the morning.

She did it though, and she eventually went to high school, college, and then became a teacher, all facing the hardships of doing so in an esentially third world country at the time. My point? Nothing came for free to my mom, she worked hard for everything she had.  Again...my mom was strong. She walked tall, she believed and defended her beliefs, and she always had her chin up, and she taught me the same. Don't get me wrong, I'm highlighting her strength, but she also had a heart the size of the world.

But, the woman in the picture...that's not my mom. And I think that was the hardest thing for all of us family members to see. The hardest thing was seeing this woman who symbolized strength and independence, becoming weaker and weaker by the day, sometimes by the hour.  The littlest of tasks such as opening a bottle of water, were now delegated to family.  Her bottles of water had to be pre-opened a little so that she could open them on her own should she need them.  She could no longer cook. A woman who was always get up and go, running errands endlessly was now trapped in her bed, wasting her days away watching Filipino Television and soap operas.  She spent her days depressed, recalling days when she wasn't sick.  Sometimes it was all she could do to walk a straight line, as the neuropathy in her feet was so bad. When she ate, she ate like a bird, tiny portions were all she could have. She couldn't even have raw vegetables, because of her weakened immune system, they might cause infection, if they have any trace of bacteria on them. Everything she ate had to be cooked thoroughly.  Foods she once loved tasted horrible to her, while some food she couldn't even taste anymore.

Her fingernails were black from the chemo drugs, and all the while the cancer ate at her breast making her feel weaker, and sicker as the days would go by. Most of her suffering she kept to herself. She didn't sleep much , often only a couple hours everynight, but then sometimes would sleep the day away.

All these things put together turned my mother into a frail, sickly woman, and she hated it. And it was the hardest thing for us all to witness, to see a woman once so strong, and proud, now unable to take care of some of the most basic of needs, and two weak to be on her feet for more than a few minutes at a time. I look at that picture and I can't connect with it, because it wasn't the mother that I knew my whole life, and the fact that I can't connect with it, that I can't see my mother in it, kills me.

I see a feeble, suffering woman, who my heart aches for, there to send prayers to St. Peligrini, the patron saint of cancer patients, and it saddens me, because I don't see my mom.

The Times...They Have a'Changed...

Looking over my blog, I see that it has been about five months since my last entry. So much life, and lack thereof, has happened since that last entry, and I write now as a way to deal with where life has taken us all these past few months. I guess I can't move forward, until I move back a little bit, to tell you our life for the past few months.

Well, the last entry found the Baillo clan moving cross country again. It was a promise I made to my mother when we visited her earlier this year (Jan-Mar 2010). I promised that we would move back for a year, to help her with whatever she might need, and more importantly, so we can all be together. Her conditioning was worsening, and the promise was made with two contingencies being planned for. Should she live through that year, then obviously that would mean, her health has somehow improved, and we could move to Oregon guilt free, and be closer to the family in case of emergencies, instead of NY. If, the worst happened, and she died in that year we were there, we would be there to help carry out her funeral and final plans exactly as she wanted, and to take care of all the little details. We could then move to Oregon after all has been said and done, and begin picking up the pieces and starting life there, with that chapter closed.

We arrived in CA July 19th, 2010. And it was good to always be there with her. It took Katie and I both about a month to find a job, in California's shitty economy, but we did. She found a job with some industrial supply production place, and I found an accounting job with Hollywood Park Race Track, and life cruised on. Katie and I, with the baby, took one of the bedrooms upstairs, while Hailey took the other. It was cramped. It's hard not having your own bedroom after living in houses on our own, especially after the last monster sized house we had in New York, sitting on an acre. I'll be honest, I HATE Los Angeles/Southern CA. It's overpopulated, materialistic, and cutthroat, but I was happy to be there to bring happiness to my mom. It was all worth it to see the joy on her face at having her beloved grandkids around being goofy as they do best.

My mother's breast cancer had gotten much worse. November 2009, after being convinced by her oncologist that she should be cancer free, she got the bomb dropped on her that her first cancer was gone, but it appeared that her breast cancer had mutated into Inflammatory Breast Cancer. This version of breast cancer is the most deadly, and least understood/researched, of all the breast cancer variations known. So, she had no choice but to undergo chemo, again, this time more aggressively, but the kicker was that her heart was permanently weakened by the first fight, where she only had 30-40% functionality. So they couldnt give her the "top tier" chemo drugs, since most of them could potentially do damage to the heart. So, she got second line drugs. Her immune system was non existent. She would get infections all over her body at any time, and every cold, turned into pneumonia. Her reduced heart function always resulted in fluid in her lungs, which led to extended hosptial stays. Her affected breast was COVERED in infections and sores, which kept her awake at night in pain, and sometimes just from the smell of the rotting of her flesh. It was not pretty for her.

After having a hard time breathing my mother went into the hospital during the first part of October 2010, and they found she had a severe chest infection, but the kicker was she had no fever, so they doubted it was pneumonia, or at least "regular" pneumonia. She was there for two weeks, being IV'd 3-4 different types of antibiotics at the same time, and the infection never went away. She always said that she believed this would be her last hospital stay, that she thought she would die during this stay...little did we all know the truth behind that speculation. October 19th she was supposed to be released, but they held her a day longer to observe. October 20th, she was to be released again, and they held her again, but because in the span of one day she gained a great amount of weight, which was obviously liquid. She was retaining water. They looked for it in her lungs, and her body in general...but we later realized that her kidneys were probably shutting down.

October 21 I get the call to come. When I arrive I find out that my mom has had respiratory arrest, and is now unconcious, and the nurse tells me that this is now the "end stage", and to say goodbye (I will go into more details about this in other posts), because it's coming soon. Not more than a couple hours after that my mom stopped breathing, and left this world, and her suffering forever. My world crumbled around me, and I weeped in her hospital room. I cried at not having a mother to guide me, to see my kids grow and get married, all those moments lost at my age of 31, and my mom's age of 62. I made all the necessary calls to all the family and friends, and I went home to rest, and cry some more.

After that first day I told myself "Okay enough crying...you need to suck it up, you have people depending on you. You have a funeral to plan. You have important things needing to be done. Suck it up". And suck it up I did. That is the very reason I decided to write again. When I sucked it up, I threw up a wall around my grief. It's what I needed to do, to stay strong and not fall apart during the week and a half it took to plan my mom's funeral. Every day, that grief tried to rip those walls down, and every day I made those walls thicker, and thicker, and thicker. I got through the planning, and the funeral, and all the details without a single tear, without one detail missed, I made my mom proud I think.

But I'm writing this blog again, because now that the nitty gritty is done, and I WANT to start grieving...I can't. These mental walls are the thickest I've ever put up in my whole life, and the end result are walls so thick, I don't know how to bring them down. I have no clue where to begin. I reach for that grief where it sat the day my mom died, and I run into the wall. I have tried for the past month since my mom was buried, to try to reach that sadness, that dispair, that grief, so I can now cry my eyes out. I have felt like such a heartless bastard this past month, because I have tried to cry for my mother, one of the greatest human beings to walk this earth, and I just can't. So, I now am writing again, because writing has always been a way for me to sub/unconsciously tap into my emotions. By talking about it all, I feel that i may be able to start bringing down that wall stone, by stone, so that I can grieve for my mother.

So, no one will probably read this, but that's fine, since this is for me anyway. If you do follow the blog, then that'll explain the boost in activity that will follow this one. I'll probably delve deeper into the actual moments my mom died, the funeral, her life, the planning, etc, just so I can make her real to myself again. I think i've disassociated myself, and that's why I can't feel anything.

Anyway, more to come.

Farewell My Heart and Home

I came to you with nothing but a dream and a wish wished upon the brightest star. Three years ago, I appeared on your doorstep, from apparently out of nowhere: A stranger, an outcast from a far away land 180 degrees different than everything you represented. Three years ago, you had the chance to turn me around, and give me the boot, sending me flailing off your porch only to land in the dirt, taking even my pride from me. You could have chewed me up and spit me out. But did you do these things? No. New York State, you opened your arms to us. You welcomed us in, fed us supper, and offered us wine as we sat on your porch, and you reassured us that everything will be okay, and you helped me figure out how I was to achieve what I wished to achieve while in your home.

I came to you friendless. Sure, there were many from my old home that promised to be just as close, but I knew that's not how the world works. People have lives, and families, too many things to remember to keep me in their mental process. I knew a few would honor that promise, but I knew most would not, and I was fine with that. A sacrifice made in pursuit of a dream. Throughout the years I've learned that a dream remains a dream unless you work towards it, and turn it into a goal, and that work always demands sacrifice. But upon seeing me with no friends you smiled heartily and said "Here, have these!", and threw our way some of the best friends I've ever had, not just in New York state, but in my whole lifetime. People so warm and so genuine that I was so hesitant to accept that warmth at first, because I didn't know what to do with it.

People like the Westlings who were our neighbors and our very first friends in this state, became an anchor when we felt alone, and missed all that was previously familiar, as our life changed around us. I will always remember stepping outside of my norm that day I saw Chris working on his car, and extending my hand (and little did I know at the time, my friendship) to introduce myself, instead of waiting for my wife to do the introductions. I will also remember our first winter here getting stuck on the ice in the middle of our driveway, and them making themselves late for work and school to attempt to get me out, asking nothing of me in return.

You gave us wonderful people who came to mean so much to us. The Artibees who were to become my number one fans, and turned their home into a gallery displaying my work, the Evangelistas who were responsible for too many dinners and time spent with our families that ended with my ribs sore from laughing the whole time, Trisha who became my wife's best friend here, Michelle who gave me laughter, and deep friendship everday (as well as the rest of the CL Dining group), Amber who was a cop who instead of arresting the only brown guy in Harford, came to befriend my family, and to everyone else that touched our hearts and lives (they know who they are) they will be loved and remembered always.

To the man who trusts no one with his children, you gave me Deana, the best daycare provider any parent could ever hope for. It wasn't just a job to her, she loved my children as her very own, and I could tell every single day that this was true. I will never forget the love she showed my children, and how she opened up and shared her family, as well as offering a deep and lasting friendship with my wife.

I came to you with a history of jobs I hated doing, and a dream followed to break that cycle. You gave me security and happiness in all aspects of my work life. You gave me my dream. You gave me a job where I spent 12 hours a day seven days a week at times working the hardest I've ever worked, being the dirtiest I've ever been, learning the most I've ever learned, and pushing my body way past its limits, working under a fat bastard of a man, who rather nap and eat while he watched me slave for him, rather than do any work himself, while he stripped me of even my name, and stuck me with my nickname of 'Clay', and belittled me with racist comments daily if not hourly: And I LOVED every single minute of it.

Not only did you give me my dream, you gave me my stability. Coming from hating most office job I've ever had, you gave me one that I will always cherish and smile to think of. You have me Cornell, with it's solid (if not tiny) pay, and health insurance for my family, and threw in a wonderful team to boot. For the first time in any office, I was truly happy, and enjoyed going into work every single day.

I came to you with no family. For the sake of not offending, I meant no family HERE, in this state. We had no one to run to, no one to love us unconditionally, and support us through thick and thin, with wise words and strong tone when the need arose, while we lived under your roof. You gave us The Kilcoynes. I had no idea the first day meeting Jess, then Don that we would become more than just boss and employee....we would become family. When we had nowhere special to go home to, they gave us a warm fire, all the wine we could all drink, a warm meal , and good conversation, and above all, love. My daughter sees theirs as her sisters. So much time running carefree, as I always dreamed my children would be able to do, through the vineyard and property while Don and I slaved at making wine. I've never had siblings, as an only child, but Don and Jess I consider you the closest thing to that I've ever had.

For all that you've given us, while under your roof, it is with a heavy heart that we bid you farewell, and take our leave. Everything you've given us have left their mark on our souls, and further confirmed the fact that though we grew up in California our whole lives, it is while we were under your roof that we actually felt we were "Home". Contradictory to what a lot of people said, the grass WAS greener on the other side, for us.

So, farewell New York State. I thank you from the very bottom of my heart for all the kindness, love, support, frienship, and time you've given us. We will never forget your lessons, and though we never know where life will take us, know that New York will always be in our hearts, and will be what we think of when we think of Home.

Growing Pains: They are a Biatch

So I went to shoot late last night and around sunset this evening, just like I usually do, and out of 40 pictures between those sessions I kept all of 2. I haven't seen that ratio of usable to trashcanned photos since I first started. It's definitely not the camera's fault. I just forgot about the learning curve that comes with new equipment...especially if the new piece of equipment is leaps and bounds better than you're used to.

I've grown so accustomed to my old XSi that I could operate the controls in pitch black when I would go to take night photos. With the new 50D I spent most of my time fumbling around trying to get at the settings like a teenage boy fumbling around with his first girlfriend's bra hooks.

With the sunset photos, I thought it'd be easier, since the controls were well lit still, but my other problem was the new remote shutter release trigger I got. I really think they sent me a remote to a tv or something...anything other than what it's for...my camera. When I press the button it only fires the shutter every now and then, and it keeps trying to refocus, even after I ALREADY SET THE FOCUS!@!! LOL. Maybe it was busy trying to open a garage, rather than fire my shutter.

Oh well. It's all part of it. I'm sure within a month I'll be used to the new camera and gadgets and will be navigating menus in my sleep. But for now....I'm a newbie all over again.

I Should Never Say I'm Going to Do Better...

..at keeping up with this blog LOL. Everytime I say that, I go months in between posts. Anyway a lot has happened, too much for me to condense into one and go into detail. So here are some summaries:

1. We have a week left before we move back to CA. We are moving back to help my mom with her fight with cancer, and to just help out in general while we're there, with whatever is needed, for a year, then we're looking to settle down and drop anchor in and around Portland, OR. That way we are only an overnight drive , or a 1.5 hour flight away for emergencies, and to just be able to be closer to family in general.

2. Father's Day morning (YES, ON FATHER'S DAY!), I went out really really early in the morning to go take some nature photos. One location I was planning to shoot was Ithaca Falls. Well before I step in the river I check all the connections with the camera onto the tripod, and everything is golden. Set up the tripod, it leans a little forward, and the camera falls into the river LIKE IT WAS NEVER EVER LATCHED ON THERE! WTF?! Damn tripod malfunction cost me my camera. It took me two weeks, and the support of family, fans, and friends to raise enough money to get a new camera. My exact model is not in stores anymore, and the equivalent T2i is sold out everywhere, so I decided to upgrade. I got a Canon 50D, and BOY do I love it to pieces. This camera will be the diving board that I will use to really dive into this business. It can do so much more that my entry level Rebel XSi could only dream of. It is a SOLID mofo, and the geek in me is excited to relearn all the new controls and settings. I just got it this morning.

3. In short Hailey had to have 3 teeth removed, and we went to an oral surgeon who removed three COMPLETELY WRONG (and perfectly healthy) teeth. Needless to say, I was madder than I have ever been in many many years. It took all my effort, and Katie and friends talking me down to not go over to the oral surgeon and take those three teeth back from him...from his own mouth. That's not just talking, that's what I truly wanted to do. Needless to say we sought legal council, and we have two lawyers now who are very interested in possibly taking the case. Katie met with one this morning, and we met with another in the afternoon as a family. Nothing official yet, but this is pretty cut and dry malpractice, and negligence...so I'm pretty sure they'll bite, and we just have to decide who we'll be going with.

Well, that's my life the past month in a nutshell. My last day at work is this Friday, and I am really really sad about it. I enjoyed working with my coworkers, and I could have gone and sought more money, and more mental stimulation, but I enjoyed working with them so much that I could never seriously think about leaving. It's funny that a job I picked up, purely because it was simple and at the time I thought I could leave easily, turned out to be a job I really loved. My original plans were to only work the job in the dead period between the harvest of 2007, and the growing season of 2008, and quit it and go back to the winery full time again. But in that short amount of time, I grew to love working with my team, so I decided to stay, and try to squeeze in the winery as a part time apprenticeship. I truly am very sorry to leave.

Last Time I Checked It Was 2010

Yup, I'm looking at my calendar, as I type this, and it definitely IS May 14, 2010. When I was in the restroom just now, I could have sworn it was 1975, by the pube I saw on the toilet. I kid you not, it was at least 6 inches long.

WHO THE HELL is growing out their pubes to be that long in 2010? I don't believe Cornell has suddenly started allowing yetis and black bears to use our restrooms, so someone explain to me, how the hell someone can h ave a 6 inch long pube?

That is just plain nasty. And it's not like I just see this once or twice in a lifetime, I see these impossibly long hairs in urinals and toilets ALL THE TIME. Start trimming people!

I'm Horrible at Feeding the Beast

I had read in a book, by a famous photographer, that this blog stuff is a beast you constantly have to feed, for it to grow. Well, I'm horrible at it apparently, because I always go weeks/months between feedings. My beast is emaciated with a distended belly like the Ethiopians you see on Sally Struthers commercials. This is a side effect of life ADD, of which I have an extreme case of. But I promise I'll try to do better!!

Anyway, not much is going on. The wedding shoot I did on the 17th was stressful, but the bride ended up loving the pictures, so that's good I suppose. I spent most of the day frustrated at my equipment, and you should have seen the expletives that came out of my mouth the next day, when I was going through pictures and deleting pictures that I was counting on, as being my "showcase" photos, due to imperfections, that were a result of equipment that was not made for lower light situations. When will a billionaire heiress come down and throw money my way for better equipment? I'm worth it, I hear! LOL

School's been picking up, and taking up a lareg portion of my free time. I'm starting to look into what it will take to freelance as a photojournalist. I imagine the purchase of a police scanner, and a lot of late nights driving around ambulance chasing are in my future. But I really need to start having this hobby start paying, so I can get new equipment I need so much.

I've gone vegetarian (well I still eat seafood, they are low enough on the wheel of life, for me to live with eating, after a few prayers), and I'm actually happy I did. I released myself of the unhealthy attachment I had to red meat. This was something I thought I'd never be able to do. I still eat meat when I'm a guest and it's prepared for me, or if we go out to eat, as a special occasion thing, but in my day to day life, it's been vegetables and tofu, and it's been great, actually.

Anyway, hope to "feed the beast" again soon.

I LOVE John Michael Cooper

I have been in love now with his work for a long time. I've just been reminded of his work, because I've been doing some research for my coworker's wedding that I'm shooting in April.

His work is just so moody and dark, and so DIFFERENT. Some of it is also shocking, because of the nature of the photography he does (dress distruction, drowned Ophelia themes, bride/groom abuse mugshots, etc).

It's so hard to come up with something so fresh in the already saturated wedding photography market, and he found a way to do so. Most of his work seems like it would do just as well hanging in a museum as it would in somebody's wedding album.

If you'd like to check out more of his work (all stunning): http://www.altf.com/

How Many Blind Drivers Are Out There?!

I know every comic in the world has covered this, but I have to say SOMETHING because it never fails to amaze me when I go through the drive-thru ATM. I always notice how there's brail on the ATM machine. Ok, let me repeat that, THERE'S BRAIL ON THE DRIVE-THRU ATM MACHINE!

How many driver are on the road with vision so bad they can't see numbers on a keypad, but are still behind the wheel of a car?! LOL

I know there must be some rational reason for it, like, I don't know, all the ATM factories produce the same buttons, and they all have brail on them, regardless of where and how the machines are used. But still it's hilarious to think that there's some blind guy out there behind the wheel.

Near Hulk Out @ CVS

Okay, so my mom came home from the hospital today...AWESOME. She still has a bit of pneumonia left in her right lung, but doctors think she's well enough to rest it off at home. So we figured since we're leaving CA soon, this would be the perfect time to use the gift cards to Olive Garden/Red Lobster that my coworkers chipped in to get us. So we go about picking what we want and calling the order in to be picked up at Red Lobster. They say 20 minutes...GREAT!! So I think up my game plan. I'll stop by CVS first to drop off my mom's prescriptions, real quick, run to get the food, and by the time I get back to CVS her prescriptions should be ready. Honorable, and logical plan, right? Apparently some douche at the pharmacy must have not liked my plan, because he seemed to do everything in his power to mess with it.

So I get up there, and hand him my mom's prescriptions (4 on a single sheet). He says he was going to pre-verify with the insurance company to make sure everything will go smoothly, and go around and make sure they have the meds in stock. Shouldn't take long, I assume...WRONG...another wrong assumption!! This asshat took TWENTY MINUTES to enter and verify all these prescriptions!! All the while typing with two fingers, and whining to his coworkers about how hes feeling under the weather, and doesn't feel like being there today, blah blah blah. And THEN when he goes to check their stock he is literally dragging his feet like some 5 year old boy pouting about having to go to school.

WTF??!! What happened to taking pride in your work ethic in this country? I see this more and more often now amongst the young people who are appearing in today's work force. Seriously...ITS WORK! it's not supposed to be fun, or a good time, and you're SUPPOSED to give it your all while your there because they sort of pay you to do something...so do it right!! If you don't like your job, don't work there. And if you know you're sick, and you still choose to come in...then SUCK IT UP!! It's not my fault your ass felt too sick to work and you chose to come in...you're not getting a medal from me. If you chose to come in, I expect you to not take out your bad decisions on me and my precious time! You want a fucking cookie?! GROW UP! I see it more and more...these self entitled kids hitting the work force, acting like the world, and their bosses owe them everything, and have to do shit to earn it.

Like this dumb shit waiter at BJ's Restaurant. This douche was just standing around trying to look cool, looking around the room and shit. There were 3 tables around us, not including me, who had yet to put in drink orders or have their food orders taken...while this guys standing around trying to look cute for the ladies. THEN when his boss reprimands him and tells him to go take orders...he looks at his boss like "Who the hell are you?!" ad then continues standing around looking cool. GRRR I wanted to punch that guy in the face.

But I digress...back to my main man, Mr. Pharmacy Tech. I dropped several hints all the while some including "Hey, do I have to be here for this? I have to pick up some food", and also a call to my wife saying "Call Red Lobster and tell them I'm running late and to not throw away our food, because this is taking (looking right at the guy) A LOT LONGER THAN I THOUGHT!!!". Did that speed him up? No of course not. I had to fight the NEED in me to reach across and grab him by his throat and punch him in the face, for all the people in this world who have to deal with this new type of asshole in the workforce. It took every bit of self control in me to not do that...and to not yell at him til he cried. I made it through the experience without punching or yelling thank God. Made it to Red Lobster, to pick up my now cold food, and come back in time to pick up the prescriptions...and you know what the ultimate irony was?

That asshat didnt even preverify the prescriptions....the person I picked up from had to verify them w/ the insurance (for a couple problem ones) ANYWAY!

Sigh...

Another night at the hospital

Spending another night at the hospital with my mom. We're hoping for her discharge tomorrow. We don't want to leave CA to go back to NY until she's out of the hospital. Shooting for Tuesday or Wednesday now. While I was at the house, my cousins and my aunt came by to see the kids. It was a nice visit.

Soon when this has all slowed down, I'll be posting about photography again. This whole thing has just eaten up so much of my mind that it's hard to think about anything else. It's hard to even go out and shoot. I planned to do a lot of shoots while in Los Angeles (one of which was a "Hollywood at Night" shoot), but decide against it, because I feel guilty going out and doing something for myself when my mom is going through this.

I have to start focusing on building some more money doing portraits, and such...I have to start earning money to upgrade my equipment. My lenses need a major upgrade. I'm not necessarily unhappy with my Canon XSi body, but with every shot I take without some money coming in, the closer I get to the end of the life of my camera with no money to replace it should it die. I think the Canon XSi is rated at 50,000 actuations. Which means generally speaking, around shot 50,000 the shutter might start dying out. God knows how many I've taken.

Sorry For the Long Break

I'm horrible at this. I keep saying I'm going to be better at this blog, and then months go by before I remember to post again...my apologies to the few people out there that may actually see this, LOL.

It's been a very busy few months since the last time I posted. Lots of ups and downs and even a CROSS COUNTRY TRIP! So exciting! Anyway I don't know how to do this so I guess I'll go through my normal whirlwind, world jumble style.

Well the biggest thing in my life, as most have known, is my mother's cancer and the fight with it. The last quarter of the year the doctors thought that my mother's cancer was cured, and she was officially in remission. A couple months after being declared cancer free by her oncologist, she started noticing blisters on her left breast, and it started getting REALLY swollen. She also started developing a lump in her neck/shoulder area. When she went to the oncologist they were very worried, and ran a PT and CT scan on her, and it was the worst news possible. Her cancer was still there and had spread to her lymph nodes in her neck, outside her larynx, and in the lymph nodes outside her lungs. Her breast cancer had also mutated into Inflammatory Breast Cancer (a more deadly, less known form of breast cancer), whos staging begins pretty high. I think officially my mom is now in early stage IV due to the nature of the spread and the inflammatory breast cancer. She started her chemo again in January 2010.

Christmas was as good as it can be for us, with this looming over our heads. My mom made me promise not to tell Katie until after Christmas so as to not ruin the holidays for her, but of course she was devistated after I told her. The kids had a great Christmas though, and made out like bandits, as usual.

So with my mom going through this next round of chemo, and having a hard time with it all, we decided to come and stay with her for a bit. We filed for our FMLA (family medical leave assistance) and organized everything so we could leave our jobs for an extended period of time. Seeing as we would be there for an extended amount of time, we opted to drive, since we could take more of our things, and the kids' things to keep them entertained. We took an extra day to avoid the snow. We went south first to NC, then proceeded west from there, stopping in Nashville, Amarillo, and Flagstaff. Worked out great, and we avoided all the bad weather. We got to my mom's on January 11.

We've been here this whole time, and are hopefully planning to leave again on March 1st or so. It all depends. My mom is in the hospital again (2nd time the whole time we've been here)...and we don't want to leave while she's in here. She has pneumonia, which in her weakened state is very dangerous. So she's in isolation here at St. Francis Hospital, where I'm writing this from now, since I spent the night here with her last night, and where they at least have wi-fi.

It's been a tight and tough month and a half. Most of the time I feel useless. My mom is a strong independent woman, so she won't really let me do much for her. She insists on doing everything herself...so the extent of our help has mostly been taking her to her doctors appointments...rubbing her head to help her go to sleep, and just being there with her. Most of my days are spent watching the Filipino channel with her, watching all the Filipino soap operas LOL. It's given me an opportunity to hone my Tagalog, which is lacking. The kids have helped lift her spirits as well, and that's always a good thing...though sometimes it does get tight, and we keep the kids in our room, so she can get some peace and quiet so she can get some sleep.

So that's what's been going on. I should really try to update more...if I did I'd probably have less to write about. Part of the problem I have is that by the time I remember, so much time has passed that I think, "Shit...I don't want to write about EVERYTHING right now..." but then more time passes, and theres even more shit to write about that I'm too lazy to do. I've definitely got to write more so that the updates stay small and easy. Maybe I'll set a reminder for myself on my phone...like a daily alarm.

On the photography front, I've managed to get some great city photos. I hate LA, but I have to admit it offers a lot of photo opportunities that I can't get in Ithaca, and the country surrounding it. Check out the site..there are lots of photos from cross country, and I'm working on some now from our trip to LA's Chinatown.

Til next time (which will hopefully be soon)!