Somewhere Deep Inside..

So I was meditating at the park, on Saturday after my 2 hour bike ride, and I think I touched upon something deep down inside. This "thing" is the belief that part of me holds that I might hold myself partially responsible for my mom's death.  There is guilt there, and I can't really say it doesn't belong there. Which makes sense, because maybe my mind has gone into defense mode, trying to forget feelings rather than feel that I had something to do with her death.

Now, obviously, I didn't give her the cancer.  I didn't kill my mother through any direct physical act of my own, but upon further navigating those feelings I touched upon, I found that maybe I hold myslef INDIRECLY responsible.

My mom was very sick, by the time we got back to California. She was in rough shape, and deep down inside, I knew she wouldn't last another year.  But who knows, maybe she would have lived for at least a few months longer had we not come back to live with her.  Kid's carry germs, I carry germs, Katie carries germs, we all do. So now, all of a sudden we are 4 extra people (2 being kids and kids hold every germ imaginable) contaminating her space. And what if we were the ones that gave her the infection that eventually shut her body down, a body that had no immune system? 

I know that she went to chemo, and still had business to do in the outside world, that was filled with germs but we were around her all the time.  What if I decided we should stay in NY, would she have had more months on this earth? Knowing my mom she wouldn't have wanted it any other way, to spend her final days with her family all around her, with the sound of her grandkids voices, but I can't help but wonder if we brought those final days faster.

And I can't help but blame myself for it.

Another Christmas, Another Year...Gone

So there goes another year.  The Holidays have been busy so I haven't been keeping this up to date as I should, but hey, a couple weeks is better than the months I would leave it without an update, before. So quitt'cher whining!

As you can imagine Christmas was hard for all this year. Well, at least for all the grown ups. It's amazing to witness childhood, and it's inability to process loss.  But I'm happy that it's that way. Kids should be kids, and allowed to live their childhoods out without having to deal with anything too heavy. There's plenty of time for all of that when they grow up. 

It was hard for me, seeing as it was the first Christmas without my mom.  I went to visit her at the cemetery on the trip up to spend Christmas morning with the in-laws. And I came REALLY close to crying...that's progress right? Don't worry, I wasn't forcing it, was just thinking about how Christmas will never ever be the same anymore without my mom around. I was imagining all the years of missing her, and being unable to see her face as the kids opened their presents, and the smile she always had Christmas day when Hailey would open up hers.  And I felt the familiar sting in my eyes...even followed by some slight tearing.  The guards of my emotional wall must have been on Holiday break as well, allowing that little bit of emotion to even get out at all, but I'm glad it did. But, quickly after I felt the first tear, I felt the gates close and shut it off.  And, once again I could no longer reach it. So I said goodbye, and headed to the in-laws.

My mother and father in law had gotten me a Nook Color (the Barnes & Noble e-reader), and I love the hell out of it.  I was researching buying it for myself, because I like the color option, and Katie told me not to buy it. I thought it was coming from her for Christmas, and I was sad when it wasn't there, only later to find that it was my in-laws who bought it.  It's such a cool e-reader.

The kids made out like bandits, of course. We got them both bikes. The baby got her first trike, while Hailey got her first big girl bike w/ no training wheels.  We took it out on Sunday, and it was such a proud moment, after 10 minutes of coaching, and holding the bike, to see her pedal on her own, with no training wheels. Such a big girl, I was so proud of her, and at the same time, so sad, because it was yet another step away from me...but such is life.

We watched Christmas Carol that nite (the animated Jim Carrey version), while we ate dinner, and it was a fun time.

New years wasn't really that eventful. Katie stayed up for the first time in years, and we watched the ball drop, had some champagne, and went to bed. The next day I wanted to start the new year off right, and I spent all morning cleaning and organizing the storage room we have.  Mission accomplished.

Monday the 3rd I had a day off, so Katie and I went on our first date together in over a year. We dropped Hailey off at sch0ol, the baby off at the babysitter's, and we went to see True Grit.  What a great movie.  It was funnier than I thought it would be. I couldn't remember the original enough to remember how it played out, since it's been decades since I saw it.  We had a great time, and it was nice to be out again, just the two of us.  We picked up the kids, and spent the rest of the night relaxing.

More to come...